Three things are inevitable in life: taxes, death, and break up. As much as it is fun to start a relationship, we know that we might be separated someday, either intentionally or unintentionally.
I have so many beautiful memories, yet today I’m going to recall and write about my post-break-up story. What an exciting way to spend my evening 🙂
But if my story could help one or two singles out there, it’s worth a shot.
When I was in my early 20s, my ex broke up with me. My ex found me too much to handle, so he ended it. We got back together for a while three months later and broke up again. I caught him approaching another girl, and I hated to be a backup plan. I ended the relationship. It was the most challenging period of my life because I had final exams and a full-time job at the university. A year later, I’m very much over him. I knew he wasn’t the right one, and now looking back, I was delighted to call it quits. If some stranger on the internet can get over her ex, you can also.
Breakup is painful, but sometimes it is necessary for our growth. Plus, you might have dodged a bullet.
Here are a few steps that you can take to deal with this process well.
Step 1: Cry it out
Grab yourself your favorite snack and watch a breakup movie. Give yourself a good long cry to wallow in yourself. Drink plenty of water and ensure you are hydrated since you probably cry a lot. If needed, use a warm towel to compress your eyes.
Please don’t blame yourself for not seeing it or contemplating how you could have prevented the breakup. If the other person wanted to be with you, they would have made that happen.
I’d recommend not getting in touch with your ex for at least six months. Consider unfollowing them on social media and deleting their number. Any time you get in touch with them, you make it hard for yourselves to complete this journey.
Treat yourself as if you are your best friend.
Step 2: Reconnect with your family and friends
You will probably have a significant social void in your life that your partner used to take up. Start building friendships and rebuilding bridges with your family member when ready. If you feel comfortable, share your story.
If you don’t know someone in the area, take a class, volunteer, or join a meetup group. Did you always want to take that painting class or an improv class? Just do it. Tips: some organizations allow you to take a class for free in exchange for volunteering time.
Social interaction triggers positive emotions and helps prevent you from remembering your ex. Humans are social creatures. While some of us are okay with very little human interaction, everyone sometimes feels lonely. We need to communicate, be listened to, and share our views with others.
Step 3: Exercising and drinking plenty of water
Exercising is probably the last thing you want to do when you get dumped, right? You don’t have to do it in the beginning stage of your breakup, but when you are ready, you can start exercising a little more regularly. Even for just 15 minutes, you’ll feel better.
When you move your body, your brain releases endorphins, which help fight stress you might incur from your work and other responsibilities.
Find your favorite workout activities. Here are some ideas to check out:
- K-Pop dance workout
- Jogging
- Swimming
- Tennis
- Basketball
- Yoga/walking (if you prefer slower physical activity)
It may take a few trials to find a workout activity you enjoy. I love to stick with jogging because it is simple and easy to do. If I don’t feel like running, I set a lower bar and opt to walk instead.
One tip is to prep your workout clothes and shoes the night before. You can also stack your exercising habits, such as walking on a treadmill while watching your favorite shows on Netflix on your phone.
Step 4: Spending time on your hobbies and/or start working on your dream
This step is essential. Our work doesn’t have to be our identity, and we don’t have to love our jobs like Steve Jobs, but you probably don’t want to hate your job. You’ll spend 40 hours every week on your job. When I was younger, I spent my 20s feeling lost and thinking I was running out of time. The truth is passion is a loaded term that confuses many of us. A passion is simply what you feel when something excites you.
I feel passionate when playing with cats or watching a Netflix crime series. Does it mean I should open a cat cafe or be a detective? Probably not, I don’t enjoy cleaning up cats’ poop and seeing blood. It’s not a thing that you need to find before you die. Your passion will change as you grow older.
So, I’d like to choose a lower standard, you don’t have to find a job that you love (if you do, that’s great), but if not, at least you don’t hate your job. You may have heard this quote – “if you find a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.” Unfortunately, I found that’s BS. I found the job I feel passionate about 80% of the time, but honestly, it still feels like work, and I’m still very much looking forward to the weekend. It’s really ok to have a regular 9-5 job and spend your free time with your family or hobbies.
Stop putting pressure on yourself and do this instead. Follow your curiosity. Take notes on any activities that spark your interest. Do you always want to bake bread? Do you always want to write a novel? Or are you curious about songwriting? Start really small, and you’ll figure it out along the way. If you currently dislike your job, figure out why.
Sometimes finding out what makes you happy is half of the battle. There are many books and resources to cover this, but I found that the most effective way is to actually do it. For instance, I thought I wanted to be like Tylor Swift writing lyrics and singing full-time. It turns out that I didn’t enjoy singing. But I enjoy the writing and the making process of music, mainly using a piano. You might step back and find something else, or you’ll be more specific about what to achieve.
One common reason why people don’t achieve their goals is procrastination. Procrastination is not always a time management or motivation problem, but it is often an emotional problem. You avoid something important because you are avoiding the emotion associated with it. As an ex-unhealthy perfectionist, I waited until the last minute or when I felt like doing it, leading to a mediocre result.
Here are a few tips that could be helpful for you:
- Starting small such as working on the task for 5 minutes. For instance, when I need to reply to an email from a recruiter. It feels too much for me. I attempted to create the first paragraph, but it still feels a little too much. Ok, I’ll click the new email button and write whatever is in my head. I wrote “hi”, “sincerely,” and then my name. Magically, I felt the itch to organize and structure my sentence, and before I knew it, I completed it.
- Creating a more structured plan and breaking your big tasks into small bite-sized goals. It’s nice when you have a workflow to follow through. For instance, things are often very ambiguous when working on my data science project. I’d start with a straightforward plan, such as talking to the stakeholders, listing my questions, researching a few case studies online, and developing a few assumptions based on data. I know that the first attempt can be imperfect, and I can always return to it. This mindset helps me cope with my fear of being wrong.
- List of the cost of procrastination. If you are underpaid by 30k and decide to stick with the same job for another year, then you are missing out on 30k plus time and any growth in the new role. I am guilty of this and have been missing out on a good chunk of money that I could have added to my bank account because I stayed too long in the same role.
- Focusing on the feeling of getting it done instead of thinking about the process. How would you feel if you could spend your weekend guilt free because you get your paper done? How would you feel when you have worked out? When you start to think about the process, you’ll begin to feel overwhelmed, and instead, you can focus on the tiniest thing you can do to get started.
Step 5: Thanking yourself for showing up
If you tend to blame yourself when things go wrong, building this habit will help you develop more self-compassion towards yourselves. Going through a breakup is tough, and you will survive. You could choose to stay in your bed and not move forward with your life, but you decide to glow up, read up on some articles, and better yourself. Every little step counts.
Lately, I’ve been going to impromptu classes to better my communication skills. Whenever the course is over, I tap my shoulder and quietly say, “good job for showing up.” I then stopped overthinking and contemplated what could have been done better.
Remind yourself that it is not about the outcome but the effort and the character you build in the process. You’ll be stronger and wiser. You’ll learn more about yourselves, what works and what you really want in a partner. By this time, you’ll get better clarity why the previous relationship doesn’t work so you can avoid that in the next relationship.
Life is change, and how you embrace that change. If you don’t like where you are, start looking at ways to change your direction toward where you want to go, even if you cannot go there entirely yet. Just the sense that you’re trying and making some movement can make you feel less hopeless about your current situation.
Vi, a software engineer with a keen interest in personal finance, had planned to retire once she reached her lean FI/RE (Financial Independence/Retire Early) goal. However, after achieving the goal, she took few months of a mini-retirement filled with travel and adventure and decided to continue her career.
For the past five years, Vi has been using Personal Capital (Empower), a free financial tool. Her favorite features include the dashboard for net worth, allocation, and planning, which help track her FI/RE goal and keep those investment fees in check.